Medivael Fairytale Remix
by El loopy
Summary: Princess Princess is having a tournament held for her hand in marriage, while Knights are being tricked to marry Princess Uglee. Add a Dark Knight and a Dragon and Chaos ensues involving an unlikely hero and enchanted trees [twoshot]
1. Chapter 1

**I wrote this for a friend's birthday present and she very kindly let me upload it here. Reviews are welcome. This comes in two parts so isn't quite a oneshot, so there's a second chapter. Enjoy.**

* * *

Medieval Fairy Tale Remix

In a land where fantasy was reality, where Dragons, witches and warlocks still exist, where there was a Princess around every other corner and Knights fought for a lady's favour, there lived a King and with him his two daughters. The wife of this king had turned into an evil witch and left him after the birth of their second daughter. Everyone thought that this was highly unconventional of her as usually queens are killed by evil witches.

The elder of the two was in line to inherit her father's kingdom when he died and really she should have had scores and scores of suitors but for one little tiny winy detail – she was hideous. Her mother, in a cruel twist of nastiness (I'm surprised no one realised earlier that she was evil), had named her daughter Ug-Leah – her nickname being Ug Lee. This, it seemed, made the situation far worse and poor Ug Lee grew up in a room with no mirrors. When it came to her coming out party half the guests screamed and fled from the room. The other half spontaneously combusted with horror.

Anyway it seemed that this didn't matter so much as two years after Ug Lee's birth the Queen had another daughter who was really beautiful. This time the King made sure it was he who named the child, although he wasn't much better at coming up with names, and in the time it took him to come up with a suitable name the Queen had compensated by having a dark fairy grant the child a gift. Anyway the King finally announced the child's name. She was to be called:

'Themostbeautifulprincessevertobebornunderafallingstarwithhairasgoldenasafieldofcornandeyeslikeglitteringjewelsandagiftfromadarkfairywhichmeansshecanbepotentiallyevilbutasshe

lookssosweeteveryonehasignoreditexcepttoannounceitinhername.'

Just Princess for short.

-----------

On the day this story begins the King was holding a gigantic tournament in honour of Princess' sixteenth birthday. The champion over all the land would be given her hand in marriage. Princess wasn't particularly thrilled about this but no one would listen to her. So the competition began. Jousting, sword fights, archery, wrestling, singing, welly wanging, you name it and they had a competition for it.

Knights and princes came from all over the realm to take part in this competition in the hope that they would win the fair lady's hand (and the rest of her body too of course, I don't mean that they came so they could chop off her hand and take it home, although you don't really know with some of these funny types you get nowadays).

-----------

There was also an alternative reason to this tournament, though nobody knew it. The King had a sneaky plan in mind to wed off his eldest daughter. He placed a sword in a pile of sand and declared that whomever could pull the sword from the sand would win a secret prize. This secret prize was Ug Lee. Now word leaked out that this was so. So when the King started gathering Knights up to try and pull the sword from the sand they all put on a good act and failed to pull it out, one even going so far as to fall to the floor crying about a broken arm. The King sighed despondently. He would never marry off his daughter at this rate.

Now there was a particularly vain and arrogant Knight at this contest named Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot. He was the best at everything and didn't he know it. Now it just so happened that after going around single handily beating every person in sight, sometimes two at a time, he happened to pass the Sword in the Sand. Seeing the next knight feebly struggling to lift the sword he snorted and marched up, pushing the other contestants out the way.

"I'll show you how it's done," he declared and without further ado, ignoring the stuttered warnings of his fellow knights, pulled the sword from the sand.

The King clapped his hands together in glee.

"Congratulations!" he declared. "You have won! This will go down in the history books."

"Very well," Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot shrugged, "but if so make it a stone I pulled the sword out rather than sand – that sounds more heroic - oh and refer to me as Arthur. That's my first name. I rather like it."

"Don't you want to know what the prize was?" the King asked eagerly.

"What?" the knight asked suddenly suspicious.

"My daughter's hand in marriage!" the King announced.

Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot sighed with relief. He'd thought it was something worse.

"So I am to marry Princess Princess am I? Very well."

"Oh no," the King grinned, "you are to marry Princess Ug-Lee."

Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot didn't know what to say. Literally. His mouth went dry and his mind went blank (not that he was thinking about much in the first place). I mean, how do you tell the king that you don't want to marry his daughter because she looks like a cross between an ogre and a troll? He hadn't actually seen her of course but he'd heard the ballads.

"Here she is." The King announced. "Your new wife."

Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot turned around and fainted dead away.

Ug-Lee sighed, "They always do that. It's because I'm so beautiful. It just bowls them over."

"That's right my dear," the king replied, thinking as he did so that he couldn't understand how he had created anything so hideous and with a big ego to boot.

"I shall go prepare for the wedding," Ug-Lee said and flounced off, looking like a frog.

-----------

Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot slowly gained consciousness.

"What happened?" he groaned.

"You, my lucky lad, are to marry Ug-Lee!"

When he heard this Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot lost all will to live and wished he'd stayed unconscious.

"Someone kill me," he muttered despairingly and dragged himself off looking like a man condemned.

-----------

The rest of the contest was back underway again, now that Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot was out of the running. Among the hopefuls was Prince Bob, a young and decidedly puny prince from the castle across the road. Naturally he didn't stand any chance against the larger knights but he didn't really want to as he was a bit of a coward and the only motivation he had for entering the contest was the runners up prize which was a years supply of 'Easy Knights' sleeping pills as he didn't sleep well due to worrying that the Griffin would get him (even though everyone knew that Sally was a friendly Griffin and couldn't hurt a fly) or that a Sphinx might eat him – even though everyone knew that Sphinx were mythical creatures and didn't really exist.

Anyway, he was cowering behind the hotdog stand when it happened. There was a scream from the tower that sounded like Princess. A few moments later a black shape rose into the air. The Dragon roared and flew as fast as it could away from the castle, with Princess clinging to its back.

"THE DRAGON HAS KIDNAPPED THE PRINCESS!!" The cry went up across the camp.

Everyone immediately started shouting and running around like headless chickens, except the headless chickens who sat very still in a little group and discussed things like the weather. How they do this without mouths is something the philosophers are trying to figure out.

Anyway, the contest had now become not about who would marry Princess but who was the most worthy to go and rescue her from the dragon…and then marry her.

The king was desperately trying to get the attention of the group when a dude dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and sandals, with long shoulder length blonde stomped moodily onto the stage.

This knight was, unbeknown to everyone gathered, the dark knight who was determined to take over the kingdom. He was, however, miffed because he'd set up this whole elaborate way to announce himself and his intentions, involving fireworks and a high tech PA system but it had all been ruined by Princess being kidnapped because everyone had ignored him.

"All right you bunch of smelly clanking idiots!" His voice was deep and booming and didn't match his appearance.

"Who the heck are you?" someone in the crowd called.

"I am the Dark Knight! And you should all tremble in fear!"

"Why? Because you have such bad dress sense?"

"Yeah, you don't look much like a dark knight, more like a sunny day!"

The Dark Knight flushed in annoyance, "I'm undercover idiots!"

"Whatever Sunny!"

"My name," he snarled, "is Flower."

The assembly fell silent.

"'Tis a mighty fearsome name," someone whispered.

"Ay. I wish I had not mocked him now," their companion whispered back.

"I challenge your best knight to battle! If I should win then the castle is mine!"

The King ran off the stage in a flap, "Someone find Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot!"

He was just about to look in the fun house (with the hall of mirrors) when he tripped over a small body.

Picking himself up the King peered at the bundle to find it was Prince Bob from the castle across the road.

"What are you doing down there lad?" he asked.

"I'm 'iding from the dragon!" he whined in reply.

It was at this point the King remembered that Princess had been kidnapped and he let loose a stream of profanities.

"Well I can't be sparing any knights to go looking for her now!" he exclaimed. "I know! Bob. You are to rescue Princess."

"What!?!?" Bob protested.

"Get ye gone boy!" the King snapped, reverting back into ye olde language, which showed he was agitated. "Elst I throw these Jaffa cakes at you!"

Bob yelped and scuttled off.

"And if you don't come back I'll send the Griffin and Sphinx after you!" The king yelled after him.

-----------

In the meantime Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot had been found wandering around the fair ground in a daze. When told that he had to fight the fearsome dark Knight Flower he had grunted. Those talking to him gave him credit for being so unconcerned – but in reality he just hadn't registered what they'd said as more disastrous than having to marry Princess Ug-Lee. The fans and supporters, and those who just didn't want to fight Flower themselves, pushed Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot into the armoury tent, which was pitch black and had not a single window, much against the health and safety laws. Anyway Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot pulled on a suit of armour without thinking and dragged himself into the duelling arena, climbed onto the nearest horse and trotted in, just as Flower entered.

The people cheered the White Knight and booed the Black one appropriately as custom demanded. Vendors walked through the crowds selling Flower and Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot bobbleheads and tossing barbequed Griffin wings and cups of mead to the onlookers. The bookies were keeping odds and taking bets illegally in the shady corners. Everyone expected a long suspense filled battle with Sir looks-in-the-mirror-a-lot emerging the victor after possibly receiving a grievous wound but bouncing back to take down the forces of evil. There were no TVs around you see, and you probably would've got burned alive for asking where one was. This was all due to the great TV takeover of last century where the TVs attempted to take over the world and they were only beaten when a band of knights went on the quest for the Holy Remote that, when found, switched off all the TVs in the kingdom and won the war. Therefore, even asking after a TV resulted in a charge of treason.

Anyway, due to the whole lack of television these big fights were the highlight of an otherwise boring existence, books having been outlawed the decade before for making people think too much. The crowd was disappointed however as the bell had barely gone to signal the start of the round before the Black Knight fell, the White Knight having slew him with vicious efficiency. There was a dissatisfied silence for a few moments before the crowd began to give a half-hearted cheer. At this point the White Knight pulled off his helmet to reveal Flower. The cheers stopped abruptly, followed by a whisper that swept through the stadium, mostly consisting of "WHAT!!!"

Flower sneered at the masses.

"You guys are all totally stupid! Firstly, why shouldn't I wear white armour? What's the problem? Just because I don't want to conform to your stupid standards. Secondly, I fail to see the point in sending out a knight to fight me who has lost the will to live. That's just moronic. Anyway, I've won. Hand over the castle!"

"Never fool!" replied the king who had retreated inside the fortress. He poked his head over the battlements and blobbed his tongue out at his enemy. "Nah nah."

"That's not very sportsman like!" Flower yelled up at him.

"Do I look like I care?" the king yelled back and did a little victory, in your face, dance.

"Oh that's it! You are _so_ under siege!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you Mystik Genie!**

* * *

Bob wandered around aimlessly. Sure, he'd been sent on a quest but he had absolutely no idea where he was going! It wasn't like there was a quest guide or something and he had no idea how to get to the dragon's lair.

Sighing dejectedly Bob sat down with his back against a tree. He saw that there was a sign nailed into the ground next to him.

_**Beware! This is an enchanted tree! You will fall asleep for a hundred minutes if you sit here!**_

"Ahh poo!" Bob exclaimed before dropping off.

-----------

"Gah!" The King ran around the battlements flapping his hands in consternation and generally getting in the way. "Gah! Gah!" The stress had finally gotten to him and now he could only speak in gah language. Native to the country of GahGah and spoken by the Gahjalonians – of which he was one.

"Gah gah gah!" That meant '_He's trying to break down the door. Do something!'_

"We're on it Sire," came the immediate response from the Captain of the Guard. Well almost immediate. The captain had to actually run around after the King and catch him before he could tell him.

"Gah." '_Good'_ "Gah gah" '_Man the catapults'_

The captain gave him a funny look. "Are you sure Sire?"

"Gah ha." _'Yes! Stupid!'_

The Captain shrugged and walked away. The next thing the King knew was that the catapults had been released and there were several men flying through the air screaming at the top of their lungs as they flew over the wall.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" _'What the hell just happened?'_

"You told us to put men in the catapults Sire!"

"Gah gah ah gah gah gah ha!" _'Man the catapults! Man the catapults! That means allocate people to fire them! Not actually put the men in! Idiot!'_

"Well Sire?"

"Gah gah," the king said with resignation. _'Just fire the damn bows at them'_

"Fire the bows!" the captain yelled and the air was filled with curved pieces of wood.

"WHAT THE…?" the King exclaimed in horror, breaking out of the GahGah language.

"You said to fire the bows, so we fired them at the enemy."

"No! That's not what I meant! When you fire a bow it means shoot the arrow. THE ARROW NUMBSKULL!!!!!!!"

"You really should stop insulting me Sire," the Captain said in a hurt tone.

The King put his head in his hands. "I really don't care at the moment whether your feelings are hurt or not!"

The Captain looked very upset and mumbled 'fine' then stalked off.

The next thing the King knew was that the drawbridge was down and the enemy was swarming into the castle, which just goes to show that you never insult your Captain.

-----------

Bob was awoken by the moonlight, and by that I mean he needed a pee, but the other way sounds by far nicer and more romantic. Sleepily he got up and walked away from the enchanted tree, stumbling as he did so into a randomly placed forest that hadn't been there when he'd gone to sleep, but that is completely irrelevant.

Anyway it was no longer dark within the forest because it was all lit with conveniently placed streetlamps. I do love it when such easy modern conveniences are around, don't you? It's no wonder that night never seems to fall in those old fairytales because if it did then nothing would ever get done because the hero's wouldn't be able to see what they were doing! The first thing that the Knights had to do when going on a quest was make a contract with the sun that he wouldn't set for however many days as was required, which was where the time limits for the quests actually came from. If I'm not very much mistaken, the first time that there was a scene when night time was needed the sun was so shocked that it went on strike and refused to give any light for several hours (the government tried to cover this up, calling it a natural phenomenon known as an eclipse. It was however unfortunate for the government that some bragging young scientist who was in on the scheme started making up facts about the solar eclipses which means that the government has to hire the sun every so many years to do exactly the same thing as it had the first time it had gone on strike. Needless to say no one ever spoke to the young scientist again).

So Bob went looking for somewhere to go to the loo and after using the conveniently placed port-a-cabin (that's another thing with quests. The Knights never seem to go to the bathroom – they hold it for the entire duration because it gives them a look of long suffering patience and a little extra boost of speed to get the quest over and done with). As soon as he'd finished he looked around the area and saw trees. A lot of trees. And a lot of signs. Signs nailed to the trees. There were a lot of signs nailed to a lot of trees. Each and every one of those signs announced that the tree was enchanted and that travellers should beware of it. At this point Bob cursed the witches because when a witch is born its very first spell is to enchant a tree and consequently there were very few trees that weren't enchanted. Of course it did give the sign makers something to do as they all had to go around and check if a tree was enchanted or not and then make a sign for the tree accordingly.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" Bob whined after bumping into a small Goblin like creature, which turned out to be a Squirrel.

"Never mind," the Squirrel said, looking rather rabid. "Take this potion."

"I'd rather not," replied Bob, backing away.

"Why are you backing away?" the Squirrel said in a hurt tone of voice. "It's because I look rabid isn't it? It's not my fault. I was born like it!"

Bob apologised profusely (still scared that if he didn't it'd attack him) and took the potion.

"It's a wishes potion. When you drink it what you wish for will come true. I decided to give it to you because you're so weedy that you'll probably need to drink it in order to win your quest and live happily ever after."

Bob tucked it into his belt where it wobbled precariously and asked the helpful Squirrel one final question, "How do I find the Dragon's Lair?"

The Squirrel gave him a scathing look. "You follow the signs imbecile."

Bob looked down at the path, which was indeed marked with signs directing him to the Dragon's lair.

"Oh right. Thanks."

"Whatever idiot," the Squirrel replied, rolling its eyes. "Now if you'll excuse me I have to go kill and eat some children."

Bob blinked in confusion as the Squirrel scampered happily off.

-----------

"You'll never take me alive!" The King screamed at Flower.

Flower raised his eyebrows at him and indicated the two guards holding the King's arms. "I believe I just did."

"Gah," the King muttered.

"Bring down your eldest, and therefore by Fairy Tale rules prettiest, daughter, so that I can force her into marriage with me, which she will have to go through because nobody ever seems to realise that they don't actually have to say 'I do' at the ceremony."

The King stared at him. "You do understand which kingdom you're taking over don't you? My eldest daughter isn't the prettiest of the two."

Flower waved his hand airily, "That's neither here nor there, though it is a vast disappointment that I can't inherit the throne and have the prettiest. This must be one of those annoying stories where it's the youngest daughter that's the most beautiful."

"Yes, but you can't marry her either," the King said slowly, "because she has recently been kidnapped by a Dragon."

Flower glared at him. "I must say that I think this a great slight on my honour sir! She must have known I was coming and to book a Dragon Kidnapping at the very same time is a gross unfairness."

"Your honour?"

"Very well. Send for the other daughter then."

The King flinched, "Are you…sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

With a great deal of muttering the King asked one of the palace guards – who had been relieved of all his weaponry – to go and fetch Princess Ug-Lee. The soldier shuddered in horror and walked from the room like a man condemned (it would be prudent to note here that most men tend to walk like this when facing anything remotely related to Ug-Lee and seeing her face).

It wasn't long before Ug-Lee tripped down the stairs, literally, and landed with a bump on the floor.

"Where's the guard?" the King asked with barely suppressed nausea.

"He passed out on my floor." She smiled at the guests and did a little twirl. "Do you wish to marry me?" she asked unabashedly. "I've recently become a widow and am in mourning for my dear husband who you killed."

"He wasn't your husband," the King corrected her.

Flower was staring at her in open-mouthed horror. "What…is…that?" he finally said, finding his voice.

"That…is my daughter," the King replied in exactly the same manner.

Flower gave him a sympathetic look, "I feel your pain. I really do."

"Really?" the King asked hopefully. "Do you feel so sorry for me that you'll leave and never come back?"

"I'm human but I'm still a villain." Flower snapped his fingers. "Throw the King in the dungeon and lock…that…thing back into her tower."

"Why?" Princess Ug-Lee protested as she was dragged off.

"For goodness sake," Flower yelled after the guards and Princess, "someone give her a mirror!"

A few moments later there was an agonised scream as the Princess saw her reflection for the first time.

-----------

Meanwhile Bob was shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other outside the giant cave labelled DRAGON'S LAIR in huge block capitals.

Taking a deep breath he put one hand over his eyes and ran into the entrance blind, smashing into something and tumbling onto the floor in a daze.

"Good morning Sir and how can I help you this fine day?"

Where was that voice coming from? And why was he lying on carpet? And why was everything black?

"I can't see!" he screamed, jumping to his feet. "I'm blind! I'm blind!"

"Sir, your hand is still over your eyes."

Bob removed his hand sheepishly and looked around the well-lit and carpeted reception area. "I'm…erm…here to fight the dragon and rescue the princess," he mumbled.

"Very well. Please take a seat," the receptionist typed something into a computer from behind her mahogany desk. "Do you have an appointment?"

"No…"

She shook her head, "Then I'm afraid you're out of luck. Mr Pippin Honeybunch is fully booked." There was a sudden crash from a room beyond and a door flew open in a smash of splinters.

Bob cowered into the floor as a giant flaming red dragon strode forcefully into the room on his hind legs and grabbed Bob in one clawed fist.

"Eep," Bob squeaked.

The Dragon drew him slowly up to his mouth then dropped his voice to a whisper. "You've got to save me!" he hissed urgently.

"Wha?" Bob gurgled.

"I'm being kidnapped," Mr Pippin Honeybunch gasped rolling his eyes nervously. "An evil Princess…"

"Oh Honeybunch!"

A shudder went straight through the dragon.

"She tricked me," he explained, "and everyone thinks I kidnapped her so no one will help me!"

"_HONEYBUNCH_!" she shrieked.

Pippin whimpered.

Bob managed to wriggle his way out of the hand and dropped to the floor.

"Princess," he choked out.

Princess Princess emerged from the dragon's inner sanctum and ran her eye distastefully over Bob. "You're the one they sent to save me?" She pulled a face. "I'm insulted."

"I'm all there was," Bob explained. "An evil Knight has taken over the castle in my absence."

"How'd you know that?" she asked.

"Newspaper," Bob shrugged.

"Very well," Princess sighed. "I shall go back." She snapped her fingers and Pippin reluctantly lay down so they could sit on his back.

"Tally ho!" and off they flew.

-----------

"I demand to know what's going on!" Princess barged into the throne room.

Flower bolted upright on the throne. "How the hell did you get in here?" He paused a moment. "And who the hell are you?"

"I am Princess Princess."

"Wonderful!" Flower announced sarcastically. "Now you can marry me."

"Wait," Bob cried, skidding into the room, "I have a…whoops!" He slipped over and dropped the wish potion he had been carrying so that it smashed on the floor. "Ah poo."

Flower snapped his fingers and Bob dropped through a hidden trap door.

"Nicely done," Princess said admiringly. "I think we should get married and take over the kingdom and then the world!"

"What about your sister?"

"What sister?" Princess grinned evilly.

And so Flower and Princess got married and spent their lives making each other miserable. Pippin was kept as the family dog (and nobody ever realised that he'd been kidnapped). The King lived out his remaining days in the dungeon ordering the rats about. Ug-Lee spent the rest of her life in the Tower crying about her absent good looks and Bob dropped into a black hole and ended up coming out in the story of 'Snow white' where he lost his voice from the shock so was called Dopey and joined the ranks of the Seven Dwarves.

And so no one lived happily ever after.

The End


End file.
